Hanna and Moritz were on cloud nine. They had just recently met through mutual friends and could hardly keep their hands off each other. But as everyday life became more pressing the fire of passion gradually cooled. The end of the world? No, often just the natural course of things. But what do you do if sexual desire disappears and a there is a permanent lack of desire in bed? We are on the track of desire and have a few tips to blow life into those dying embers.
While couples who are newly in love can scarcely keep their hands off each other, a certain routine creeps in over the course of a relationship – not only in everyday life, but also in sexual matters. When stress and worries make life difficult or when your hands are full with the children, sex and passion are often put on the back burner. Everyone has more or less sexual desire at different times. This is quite normal and occurs in the best relationships. However, if a lack of desire in bed becomes a permanent condition, you should take a closer look at your love life.
Physicians refer to so-called loss of libido when people have noticed a reduced sexual desire for a period of at least six months. Many of those affected complain of a certain lack of intimacy, usually even suffer from their lack of desire, which can lead to arguments and lack of comprehension in every relationship in the long or the short term.
Like love itself, the causes of a lack of desire are also diverse. Behind the “lack of action in bed” there is generally not just the one cause alone. There are usually several factors that come into play.
According to surveys, around 30% of women between the ages of 18 and 59 suffer from (temporary) loss of libido. The following components can play a role in the female sensation of desire:
The cycle of desire: The mood of young women changes with their cycle. While at the beginning of the cycle – that is, during menstrual bleeding and when there are low oestrogen levels – there is a tendency to have little desire in bed, after which the level of oestrogen, which acts as a “stimulator”, rises around the time of ovulation, then falls once again.
Towards the end of the cycle some women battle with PMS and sex is just about the last thing they have on their minds. Others, on the other hand, are absolutely bursting with sexual desire, since their abdomen is particularly well supplied with blood before menstruation and the formation of the ovum.
"Men want sex all the time, women only sometimes." As the secret victims of this societal paradigm, many men shy away from going to the doctor or therapist if they are lacking in sexual desire. This lack of honesty makes it difficult to state reliable numbers for a man's lack of desire. However, according to estimates and depending on the age group, between 14 and 17% are frustrated by their own lack of desire.
In men, a reduced sexual urge is often associated with a lack of drive. They may have too much stress on their shoulders or generally not feel well or be slightly out of sorts. Low testosterone production could also be the cause of this. The level of the hormone that makes a man a man can decrease with advancing age – a decrease that can also negatively affect their sex drive.
If you cannot find a reason for the loss of libido and yet it persists, it is best to see a medical or therapeutic specialist. They can clarify whether there is a possible disease behind this lack of desire or whether certain medications are affecting your libido. They can also determine whether your listlessness is based on a hormonal imbalance. If social or psychological aspects are behind your lack of libido (e.g. problems with relationships, bad experiences), which you cannot resolve as a couple yourselves, consultants or therapists can also be enormously helpful here.
The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response reflects the idea that the sexual reaction of individuals is the product of a balance between arousal and inhibiting processes. A constantly growing number of studies shows that these two systems work independently to a certain degree and that people differ in their sensitivity to them. The researchers compare this with a gas pedal (arousal or SES – sexual excitation system) and a brake pedal (inhibition or SIS – sexual inhibition system) in a car. In a certain sexual situation, each person activates one or both pedals to varying degrees, depending on their unique sexual physiology, history and personality.
When I create an environment in which I feel really relaxed, I often deal much better with desire.
Literature on request from the author.
